As a speech-language pathologist, linguist, and fiction writer, I often notice how people communicate. And I often see people getting irritated when they can’t communicate easily. You may think that’s not surprising, given the state of things today. But I’m not referring to tough conversations about controversial topics. I’m talking about commonplace, everyday conversation. I share three conversations that went wrong to show 3 easy ways to sabotage your conversations, and 3 easy ways to improve them.
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Outline:
- A medical receptionist makes her day harder.
- A wife causes a small argument.
- A mechanic prolongs a challenging conversation.
- 3 simple strategies for better conversations.
- Share your own conversation fails.
- Related Eat, Speak, & Think posts.
A medical receptionist makes her day harder
A few weeks before everything shutdown for the pandemic, I walked into a large medical office for my first appointment. As I stood in line, I took in the long rows of seats, less than half-filled with people waiting to be called back for a consultation. Ahead of me was a long counter and the tops of three female heads, as they sat on the other side, working. No patients were standing in front of any of them.
“Next.” I looked down the row of heads, but all were still aimed at their computer screens. I was pretty sure the voice came from one of them, but I couldn’t tell which. Neither could the woman ahead of me, as she took a hesitant half step forward.
“Next.” The voice was louder, a little more strident. Still no one was looking our way.
“Over here.” Finally, the woman on the far right looked up at us, frowning and sounding impatient. Her demeanor conveyed the impression that she was unhappy to be dealing with a difficult woman who couldn’t follow directions.
The woman in front of me turned toward her immediately and answered in a voice caught somewhere between politeness and surprise at being talked to in such a tone.
Later, as I was sitting in one of the chairs waiting to be called back, I watched as that receptionist repeated the same sequence. Without looking up from her computer, she called out, “Next.” I watched the perplexed patient waiting to be called look along the row of receptionists, none looking back at him.
With a loud sigh, the receptionist called out again in a strident tone, perhaps suspecting the man was hard of hearing. He may or may not have been, but at least by being so loud, it did make it more clear which direction the voice was coming from. He walked over to her, and she finally looked up to greet him with a frown. Here was another patient who couldn’t follow simple directions.
How this conversation went wrong
- She didn’t look at the next patient in line, or provide any signal that she was the one talking.
- When no one approached her, she still didn’t look up or raise a hand. She only repeated what already failed.
- The receptionist didn’t greet the patient, smile, or apologize for not clearly communicating.
- She didn’t learn the lesson and repeated the same poor communication behaviors with the next patient.
Sabotage strategy #1: Don’t look at the person you’re talking to.
If the receptionist had simply made eye-contact, the woman waiting in line would have immediately known who was calling her over. She obviously wanted to obey the instruction, but was a little flummoxed at trying to guess which bowed head had called out to her.
A wife causes a small argument
Not that long ago, I walked into a patient’s house to find Steve sitting in his favorite chair, watching TV. I greeted him, and sat down to boot up my computer. I planned to ask him to turn off the TV before we started talking, but it would take me a minute to log in, and I’m always curious to see what will happen before I start directing things.
His wife, Maryanne, was standing in the kitchen through the pass-through across the room. She had her back to us, looking at the calendar on the fridge.
Without turning around, Maryanne called out, “Who was on the phone?”
I glanced at Steve, but he didn’t seem to hear. Before I could say anything, she said more loudly, “Who was on the phone?”
I got his attention and said, “She wants to know who was on the phone.”
Steve said, “What?”
Now Maryanne was looking at us through the pass-through. She said, frowning, “Steve, who was on the phone?”
Steve frowned back, “No one.”
“What do you mean, ‘no one’?” You talked to someone.”
Now Steve was sounding grumpy. “The phone didn’t ring. I was watching TV, and then she came.”
“Yes, it did. Earlier today. Who did you talk to?”
“That was the doctor’s office confirming my appointment for tomorrow.”
“Well, why didn’t you just say so?”
How this conversation went wrong
- Maryanne started a conversation with her back to her husband, from another room.
- She didn’t get his attention first.
- Maryanne tried to compete with the noise from the TV.
- She didn’t give enough context for him to know what she was talking about.
- Steve didn’t ask for more details to understand what she was talking about.
- He didn’t get up and go to her (although mobility is challenging for him).
Sabotage strategy #2: Don’t make it easy for someone to listen to you
If Maryanne had muted the TV, or asked Steve to mute the TV, this whole conversation would have gone better.
Either way, she would have gotten Steve’s attention before talking, so he would have heard her the first time. She would have been looking at him, which would have allowed her to see the lack of comprehension on his face. She could have responded with more details, “Who did you talk to on the phone earlier this morning?”.
A mechanic prolongs a difficult conversation
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a tire dealership, waiting as my snow tires were changed over. It was a small room, and there were three of us waiting in distantly-spaced seats. The TV was blaring something none of us were watching. A man walked in and approached the counter. Tom, a mechanic who helped out at the counter, came in from the garage to talk to him.
The customer didn’t speak English fluently. He was able to convey that he wanted to buy two tires, the brand he wanted, and the kind of vehicle he had.
Tom said, “Which tires do you want replaced?”
The customer didn’t understand the question and repeated the information he had already given.
Speaking louder, Tom said, “Which tires?”
The customer pointed to the sign advertising the brand he wanted.
Now sounding both loud and irritated, Tom said, “Yes, I know. But which tires are we changing?”
The customer said, “Two tires.”
Speaking even louder, Tom said, “Which tires do you want replaced?”
The customer held up a finger, pulled out his phone, tapped it, and held it out. “Again.”
Tom said, “Which tires do you want replaced?”
The customer looked at the phone and said, “Front tires.”
How this conversation went wrong
- Tom didn’t mute the TV.
- When the customer didn’t understand the question, Tom asked a shorter, ambiguous question in a louder voice.
- Instead of finding a way to make his question more clear, Tom asked the same question in a louder and louder voice.
- He could have:
- Shown the customer a picture of a car to help convey his question.
- Added helpful words: “Do you want to change the front tires or the back tires?”
Sabotage strategy #3: Don’t make it easier for someone to understand you
Tuning out the TV takes mental energy, as does trying to converse in a foreign language. Tom should have turned down the volume on the TV as soon as it became obvious this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.
When talking with someone who doesn’t understand, Tom should have added more clues to help the person out.
For instance, he could have:
- Shown the customer a picture of a car to help convey his question (or drawn one).
- Added helpful words: “Do you want to change the front tires or the back tires?”
3 simple strategies for better conversations
Good communicators have better marriages, can make more money, and have higher self-esteem.
Here are three easy strategies to try:
- Look at the person you’re talking to.
- Make it easy to hear each other.
- If needed, give more information: clear language, pointing, gestures, pictures, drawing, or writing key words.
Share your conversation fails
Conversation can be challenging for so many reasons. Why make it harder than it has to be? Noticing what goes wrong in conversation can give us hints about how to make it better, and we can learn so much from stories. Do you have any good stories about bad conversations?
Related Eat, Speak, & Think posts
- Communicate better in Lewy body dementia.
- Free course to improve conversation skills in aphasia.
- How SLPs help people eat, speak, and think better.
- An easy guide to speech-to-speech (STS) telephone relay.
- How to assess pragmatic skills in adults with brain injury.
Free DIRECT download: Successful communication tips (patient handout). (Email subscribers get free access to all the resources in the Free Subscription Library.)
Featured image by Oleg Magni from Pexels.
Lisa earned her M.A. in Speech-Language Pathology from the University of Maryland, College Park and her M.A. in Linguistics from the University of California, San Diego.
She participated in research studies with the National Institute on Deafness and other Communication Disorders (NIDCD) and the University of Maryland in the areas of aphasia, Parkinson’s Disease, epilepsy, and fluency disorders.
Lisa has been working as a medical speech-language pathologist since 2008. She has a strong passion for evidence-based assessment and therapy, having earned five ASHA Awards for Professional Participation in Continuing Education.
She launched EatSpeakThink.com in June 2018 to help other clinicians be more successful working in home health, as well as to provide strategies and resources to people living with problems eating, speaking, or thinking.
Thank you, Lisa, for sharing these “conversations gone wrong”. I think these would be really good examples to use for in-service education with staff. Are you interested in hearing about email conversations that go wrong?
Best regards,
-Heather
My pleasure, and thanks! Absolutely interested in email conversations that go wrong as well.
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